The Fair Play Method: A Relationship Game Changer

When it involves constructing wholesome relationships, there’s an abundance of recommendation—some will resonate, and a few gained’t. Remember: each relationship is completely different! But in all relationships, each events ought to really feel revered, cared for, and supported. That’s why, in the event you’re conversant in the Fair Play methodology, you’ll know it may be an absolute sport changer for dividing family duties evenly primarily based in your wants. And in the event you haven’t heard of it but? Buckle up ’trigger we’re about to deep dive.

If you learn my latest article in regards to the psychological load, take into account this the sequel! I acquired so many notes from readers who resonated with the thought of serving to moms acknowledge the indicators of burnout earlier than it’s too late. Now, it’s time to navigate lots of these subjects together with your accomplice utilizing the Fair Play methodology.

Image above by Michelle Nash.

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Image by Kristen Kilpatrick

What is the Fair Play Method?

The Fair Play method is outlined as a system that helps you and your accomplice create a collaborative and equitable partnership. The methodology relies on a sport created by Eve Rodsky, which has change into more and more well-liked amongst dad and mom all over the world who wish to divide family duties evenly primarily based on what every guardian is greatest at and has the time for. The key half? The aim is to take action—with none resentment.

I discover {that a} visible illustration of the work every particular person within the household is taking up is an efficient strategy to open everybody’s eyes to one another’s tasks. I typically hear of companions who defensively proclaim “I do help!” and start to rattle off the record of duties they do. The end result, I’ve discovered, is that this often results in an argument. In the second it may be onerous to assemble all of the duties you do, particularly because the mom the place most duties are unseen.

A latest instance in my very own life was the duty of making “holiday magic.” That seems completely different in every dwelling, and boy is it a ton of labor. From shlepping the vacation décor out of the shed to addressing the Christmas playing cards and planning social dates to seeing Santa. (Not to say cleansing all of it up come January.) By the top of the season, this mama was spent.

Camille Styles family fair play method — *Image by Kristen Kilpatrick*

Playing the Fair Play Method

The Fair Play method is a deck of cards you undergo together with your accomplice. Whether you’re newly married, residing in a home partnership, or have just lately taken a shift in life roles, you will see that this beneficial. Here’s the way it works.

Step 1: Sit together with your accomplice for an hour once you’re relaxed and feeling good (foods and drinks assist!).
Step 2: Lay out all the duty playing cards, select solely those that apply to your loved ones, and take turns deciding which duties you’ll personal utterly.
Step 3: Claim your Unicorn Space playing cards, which permit you time and house to develop and pursue actions and abilities that carry you pleasure, whether or not it’s studying a brand new language, taking part in music, or coaching for a marathon.

blonde woman son cuddling on couch — *Image by Emma Bassill*

Key Takeaways From the Fair Play Method

Conception, Planning, and Execution

There are several things that stood out when Tyler and I did this exercise. First of all, owning a task completely means that it’s yours from start to finish and the other partner should never have to be asked or nagged to do it. The deck defines it as conception, planning, and execution.

Minimum Standard of Care

Another standout realization was about the tough conversations that come with creating a minimum standard of care. Let’s be honest, we’ve all experienced that moment when we ask our partner to do something, but when they do it, it’s not to our standards. So with a huff and puff, we redo it behind their backs. In the end, no one wins.

Instead, talk about what a minimum standard of care looks like. For example, Tyler owns the grocery shopping and our minimum standard of care is that the haul includes healthy options for the family and specific snacks for the kids. Another standard is that we goes to the grocery store two times a week on the same days so we both know the fridge is alway full. Once we were able to establish the items we always need, I never felt annoyed when he went shopping again.

Now, here is the tricky part: once you establish that minimum, you need to give your partner the freedom to do it with their own approach. If your partner takes on the laundry and their folding isn’t how you would do it, but it still works, let it go! You can’t release your load if you’re always trying to micro-manage. Let dad do it dad-style. Perfectionism is a trap, and identifying a standard will give you freedom and flexibility.

Disclaimer: Not every card in the deck is going to be aligned with your family values. You may need to add a few cards to the deck! For example, I wanted to add “packing the diaper bag” or “prepping the bag to leave the house with the kids.” Doing so created a personalized experience that was relevant to our family.

marriage couple fair play method — *Image by* *Belathée Photography*

Beyond the Fair Play Method

So, what happens after the game? Is that the end of the struggle? Absolutely not. There will come moments of self-reflection even after you’ve done the exercise. This is healthy and encouraged!

Here is a situation I found myself in after diving into the Fair Play method. Though Tyler and I agreed to a 60/40 split, I was still feeling some resentment over the amount of labor I was doing, despite having agreed to it. For me, I realized that two things were missing. The first was recognition—truly feeling valued after all the hard work I put in. Once again, society and so many people don’t recognize or appreciate women’s unseen labor or the value it adds to a family’s life. So, I asked Tyler to recognize me more and tell me how much he values my labor. He agreed, and things have been great since.

The second part was incorporating common sense. If you have nothing going on and you see your partner working their butt off while you’re chilling, why not ask a simple “How can I support you?”

Most of the time, I’m not going to want his help. I like putting out all the holiday décor, but being asked makes me feel seen. And sure, maybe I’ll ask you to bring the empty bins to the garage, but that same task reflects what it means to be in a partnership. Sometimes, we share each other’s load.

I highly encourage partners around the world to give this method a shot! It truly has helped diminish resentment in my household and ease my mental load. It’s my hope that it will do the same for you.

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